Wildleaf

After much procrastination, I am on the wagon again.  I was doing well until March. I guess I just let my self control slip too much. I figured I would be able to break the rules here and there but I was wrong. I need to stick to the plan or I pretty much fail every time. It sucks to realize that I am an all-or-nothing kind of guy, but it was obvious.  They were right when they told me that it was a life change, not just a short term thing. I don’t think that I’ll attend the meetings, but I can still follow the plan.

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So, the review yesterday was a mixed blessing. Out of the 25+ rating categories rated from 1-3, I received all 3s except for in 3 areas. Those areas were “interpersonal communication,” “prioritization,” and, “research.” That’s right, on those things I was rated a 2. On this scale, 1 is underperforming, 2 is performing at expectations, 3 is exceding such expectations. This sounds all well and good but:

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So, I am back in New York for work.  The boss decided that it would be a good idea to have me come into the office and work for a few days.  She also suggested that we have a face-to-face review.  That is a little frightening.  I have no reason to fear, I have been working my ass off these last few months since I have been working remotely.  I have even worked weekends and 16 hour days to produce working material.

But even with this extra work, I feel no respect or recognition for my efforts.  I don’t think she sees what I am doing with my time as “putting forth the extra effort,” that she expects.  That is frustrating.  I really hope that this review is all about recognition of my skill and efforts, but I fear that it will be something bad. I won’t know until Wednesday at 1:00 when the review is, but until then, I am tentative.

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It has been 2 years since my dad passed away. It was a heart attack and brain aneurism in the middle of the night on May 14th, 2005. I was in shock for the week before his funeral, and it wasn’t until the day I viewed his corpse that I thought I had fully accepted that my father was dead.

Keep in mind; this was not one of those fathers that you grew up with tossing the football around. I barely knew him most of my life. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I began to realize who my father was to me. And even then, he wasn’t someone that I look back on fondly. I don’t dislike him. I love him. But his death leaves me, even now, with a cesspool of undefined emotions.

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Another observation I have made in New York was that people do not obey the stay-to-the-right rule. At first I figured that this was a problem with an ethnically diverse culture where some people are used to being on the left side while walking. Later I discovered that it was not due to background but because people were in a rush. If the train they wanted to get to was on the left, they would run down the left side of the stairway.

These are my enemies. They are people who make me shake my head and say how silly people can be. Well, today I was silly. But I did it at the wrong time. I noticed that hundreds of people were funneling down one side of the stairway and hundreds of other people were funneling up the other side. Since I was downstairs, it would have been my duty to go up the side that was going up as well. The only problem was that the people coming down were completely blocking my ability to walk over to the up side!

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I haven’t posted in a while but thats because I have been happy. Changing jobs was likely the best decision that I have ever made. I go into work every day excited, I do a lot of work, and I come home relaxed and able to have fun instead of crash. The new schedule, specified in the previous post, has proven more difficult than I had anticipated. I got sick the second day, and thereafter I have had a new job and have been trying to learn a new schedule with that. Tomorrow I am going to try to get back on schedule starting tomorrow.

That isn’t what I was posting about. But, since this post isn’t about my life, I figured I could do a quick “fill in the blanks” concerning life first. The purpose of this post was to explain my decision to make new years resolutions. I have never officially made new years resolutions, and this is only October. So why? I don’t know, I just want to do some things and I might as well make the goals official. Even though they are resolutions for next year, I am not going to wait until January 1st to start them. Why not allow for a couple of months head start? So these are things I want to start immediately, but hope to accomplish in the new year.

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When I turned in my letter of resignation on Monday, I was slapped in the face. That slap was in the form of my boss saying he was not accepting my resignation. In the following 2 days negotiations happened. Well, I wasn’t really involved with the negotiations, but my boss at Bear Stearns kept offering me alternatives to me leaving.

I was pretty well set up to leave, and I had decided that I would not look back at his offers. One thing, however, kept popping up. He kept asking me, “What is it that you want?” And I continued to dodge his question and come up with answers. In reality, I didn’t really know what I wanted. I didn’t know why exactly I was unhappy with Bear Stearns. I also didn’t know what I wanted to do in my future. Read the rest of this entry »