So, the review yesterday was a mixed blessing. Out of the 25+ rating categories rated from 1-3, I received all 3s except for in 3 areas. Those areas were “interpersonal communication,” “prioritization,” and, “research.” That’s right, on those things I was rated a 2. On this scale, 1 is underperforming, 2 is performing at expectations, 3 is exceding such expectations. This sounds all well and good but:

At the top of the review, it states clearly that I will continue with the same benefits and compensation. In the review, I am told that I am not getting a raise, because, in reality, I really should have received a pay cut when I moved to AZ. One of the largest catalysts for this is that I can’t be in the office and she has heard many times, “Man, I wish Aaron were here for this.” I am titled the following: “Internet Application Developer” which includes in it use of Dreamweaver, Cold Fusion and Perl coding in addition to HTML, CSS, and PHP work. The justification for no raise, no bonus at Christmas, NOTHING, is that I am not in the office to run up to a client’s business to configure their mail client. Things like that, which she explains reduces my net worth to the company.

Now, this is where some of you should scratch your heads. Because by telecommuting, I have reduced her overall cost for rent, internet, casualties of working in a relaxed and generous office (Free sodas etc), AND since moving to AZ I have changed insurance to not cover Jasmine, since she now has her own insurance, saving the company over $600 a month. Unlike normal telecommuters, I pay for my own internet access, my own dedicated phone line that would not exist without the job, and many other discretionary expenses.

I have exceded expectations, I have worked entire weekends and weeknights, neglecting my wife in order to get deadlines met and I am thanked with nothing. Business as usual.

So, confronted with that, I simply freeze up and say “okay” before continuing with 2 more minutes of conversation about performance. I leave the office quiet, confused, and angry. Not angry: LIVID. Why the hell would she fly me out to New York, specifically before Christmas, when she knows I can barely afford to put food on our shelves, to tell me I am doing great but she isn’t going to do anything about it? I mean, I scheduled a week long trip to make sure I would be able to meet with clients during that time. To which she reacts by not scheduling any client meetings for me. How is it that my job functions that are SO important that she is missing out on, when I create an opportunity to do these things (even staying with a friend in NJ instead of a hotel in the city to prolong the trip), she doesn’t capitalize on it. And somehow it is my fault?

Well, I bitch and moan online for about 10 minutes before Kevin tells me that I need to go back in there, that this is ridiculous. He knows my plight and being a former business owner himself, he thinks her justifications are WAY off and that good work should be equally rewarded well. So after a little clarification on what I would like and why I deserve it, I get the nerve to go in there and chat with her about it.

Ultimately she tells me that it comes down to the fact that she cannot bill any more for my time, and can’t justify giving me a raise. I won’t get into the details of how it went down, but ultimately she said no one ever pays telecommuting business expenses and that she was sorry she said it wrong the first time. Letting me know that there is just no possibility for a raise. I also won’t get into the details of how she can charge $220/hour for my work, of which I see around $35 and is unable to justify giving me a raise. In the end, none of that matters. It ends at nothing good and ill content. If there is no possible movement in the company, I am going to have to advocate for change. I am not going to go looking for other work right now. It isn’t the time for it but I will have to see what freelance has to offer on the side so that I can get let Jasmine stay home to breast feed for the first few months. I am not going to let her take that away from me. My boss will not dictate my personal life now or any time in the future. I will overcome this.

Talking to Jasmine last night about this situation was difficult. For some reason I felt like I was not being her provider, that I went out to gather resources and came back with nothing. She may not know it but I was crying the whole time about the thing. Not about anger at the situation, but because I felt like I had failed my wife. Jasmine was justly filled with anger at the whole situation but her words were thoughts I had already processed and it got nowhere. In the end, I had to cut off the conversation early because I didn’t want to be bawling on the NJ Transit train.

Anyway, I feel like a failure even though I have put through extra effort. I don’t know exactly where to place that.